Given my huge grin and over-the-top gushing about my excitement (which was completely genuine, I promise!), no one would have guessed that right before heading to the city for dinner and the show, I had cried in the bathroom of our hotel room after taking another negative pregnancy test.
I can't and won't act like I dealt with infertility because I know a lot of women who have and it's not something I would pretend to have struggled with in order to gain sympathy or head pats or whatever. But I think a lot of women, even those who have since had children, can relate to the sadness that accompanies "trying," especially when it takes longer than you would have chosen. (And I also recognize that, given all the circumstances, it didn't take me long at all to get pregnant. Others have waited much longer for it to happen, and for some it never did. I can't even imagine how difficult that is; I'm just speaking from my own experience.)
So, wanting to be pregnant and waiting for it to happen was a hard thing, and at times I wondered why it wasn't happening on my timetable. But, as always, God's plans were much, much better. If I had gotten pregnant when I first wanted to be, then the last several months of transition, traveling, decision-making, and moving would have been that much more complicated, for sure. There's no way I would have been able to go on (or at least enjoy) deputation with Jonathan if I'd been sick like I was for the first trimester, I would have had to change doctors, etc. Or we'd have been making huge, scary life changes with a newborn- which is a huge, scary life change! =)
My friend (and former coworker) Phyllis has said more than once since she heard our news, "God's timing is so funny!" and by funny I think she means perfect. =) I spent close to a year wishing for a baby but slowly realizing how much smarter (you know, omniscient!) the Lord is than I am.
Tiny little bump!
So, a year later, after months and months of learning to trust and seeing Isaiah 55:9 in action, I'm 15 weeks pregnant with our little person and amazed at the timing of it all. I shouldn't be, but I still am. Even with all the sickness and fatigue (which has mostly passed!) I've tried to remind myself to be grateful for every moment since there were times I wasn't sure I would experience this at all.
So far it's been the most exciting thing to happen to me... even better than seeing Newsies, which is saying a lot! =) If you're wondering why something in your life isn't working out like you want it to, just wait... there's probably a bigger and better plan in the works!